Cutting the Fetters From My Heart

The moment the slave resolves that he will no longer be a slave, his fetters fall. Freedom and slavery are mental states. – Mahatma Ghandi

Growth

Even as a teenager, I knew that what I value most is time – not money, possessions, nor status. I knew that I wanted to be a writer and live simply. And that is why Henry David Thoreau was my hero. As a teen, I read "Walden" and everything else I could find by and about Thoreau. His "experiment" at Walden was, among other things, a model for artists and philosophers to master their time, a practical scheme to meet the necessities of life while maximizing thoughtful living.

So, too, my awareness was growing of the ecological challenges facing the Earth and human society: Global Warming, gross inequality, and unsustainable social and economic systems. I came to understand that "Small Is Beautiful."

And I learned, also, about the developing science and art of permaculture. I dreamed of living "off the grid" in a sophisticated version of Thoreau's cabin, within a cultivated mini-biome, separate from mainstream culture, needing little.

Evolution

I have made some experiments in this direction, but I still failed to completely break free. In 2001, I became a stay-at-home father to my stepchildren, whom I unschooled. And while married to Annette, my first wife, I built an 800 sq. ft. vegetable garden (which I let run to weeds for two years), tried several microbusinesses, and practiced cooking from organic whole foods.

In the last days of my marriage and after it failed in 2008, I pursued writing, so much a part of my dreams since middle school. I went to graduate school and earned an M.A. in English while working as an editor. For a time, I taught college English, but like my hero, Thoreau, I did it mainly for money and was made poorer by it. During this period, I gained a decent local reputation as a poet and published a collection of my gothic "poemitas," "Darklings / Oscuridades."

In 2013, I left teaching and started doing freelance writing, editing, and graphic design, which is still my business, meeting with mixed success. But while I enjoy working for myself, I still hungered for a Waldenesque life. Commercial empire building is not my calling.

But even for a person like myself, risk-taking and unconventional, stepping beyond is hard. Cultural expectations dig themselves deeply into our psyche. Leaving our culture behind like a filthy, ill-fitting coat –  even in our minds – is traumatic. Grasping freedom is too often beyond us.

Revolution

So what changed? Why embark on this permaculture journey now in 2014? I'm not sure. Maybe I have enough experiments behind me, especially with self-employment, that I have sufficient confidence to start living in my own Walden. Maybe I've just come to realize one simple truth: I need to live for myself first. Maybe I've just had enough. I don't know.

For many years, I wished for the perfect circumstances: money to buy land, more knowledge, support from others. I had many excuses. The perfect circumstances never appeared.

But now I am ready, though nothing is perfect. In many ways, at 43, I am in a similar, unenviable position to other Americans my age. I have a mortgage on a conventional house on a conventional lot in a conventional town. I have too much student loan and credit card debt. I'm not rich and have no serious savings, and my income is as squeezed as anyone in the so-called "middle class." I am fat, need glasses, and have several manageable but niggling, chronic health conditions. I'm not particularly handy, nor am I blessed with a green thumb.

I also have a few pluses. My monthly mortgage payment is low, and my house is small. I have no homeowners' association to contend with, nor even busybody neighbors. I live in subtropical South Texas, near the coast, where temperatures are moderate to hot, and we have rich, delta soil and three growing seasons. The cost of living here is low. There are bike paths and lanes to the main places I need to go. I have no wife or children to compromise with. I have my own business and am master of my time (or, at least, responsible for its mastery). I'm intelligent, independent, creative, and innovative.

The permaculture lifestyle is mine today. It is truth within my heart. Where even a few months ago I had no idea of how to even conventionally landscape my yard, I now envision an integrated system with three permaculture zones. The other day, I even went so far as to eat a live mealworm! Given time, I can see being water, food, and power independent on my little, 1/4 acre plot, should I wish to go that far.

I don't know what changed. Somehow, one day quite recently, I cut the fetters from my heart. And now I am free.

#permaculture #philosophy #walden